You know that story cliché where you find inappropriate emails on your partner’s laptop.
Yeah, well, it happened to me.
There was a build up to me finding the emails but that’s pretty well another story so let’s just suffice to say that I had a gut feeling / my instinct told me, you get my drift, right? So, this particular day I was at his office (he’s self employed and I was doing the admin work for him) and I went to his laptop and just sat and stared at it.
Then that instinct kicked in and I did a name search in his emails, I don’t know why, I really don’t but for those of you that have been in the same place, you just kind of know.
And there they were, emails from him to her telling her how he was fooling around with his then admin assistant. I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. It was the straw that broke the camels back. Finding out he had lied to me, yet again.
How to explain the feeling when you realise that your partner isn’t who you thought they were…the funny thing is, there was no anger towards him, well at least not in the beginning. It was more that my feelings of self-worth took that final nosedive into oblivion.
Where you start doubting yourself, asking yourself bloody stupid questions like ‘What’s wrong with me?’, ‘why aren’t I good enough’, ‘what did I do wrong?’. I started beating myself up even more than I had been and my self-esteem which was low enough, really did hit rock bottom of worthlessness.
This spiraled into depression and I even got to the point of planning my suicide because I was just so exhausted with it all. Obviously, I didn’t take that path, I’m sitting here sharing my story to hopefully help you, if you’re going through something like this, to know that it isn’t the end of the world.
What happened with our marriage? It survived. We’d been married 15 years when this happened and I didn’t want to throw that away. Also, he was actually a great bloke, still is and the main thing is, he really was sorry and he did whatever it took to help things get back on track.
There was a lot of soul searching on my part, dealing with the depression, understanding who I was, my own personal reaction to things, building up my self-esteem, that took over two years. Two. Long. Years. We didn’t give up.
Sure, he was a bloody idiot for what happened, however, doing research, because that’s the kind of person I am, I don’t take things at face value, I have to read and read until I get my head around things and find answers. I realised that people usually do stupid things in a marriage because somethings missing.
Now, I’m not blaming the other person here but I realised that I had to own up to the fact that maybe I wasn’t doing all I could of in our marriage, that is no excuse for what he did and it’s not meant to be, but it’s an understanding.
What should have happened is he should have approached me and said ‘I’m feeling XYZ’ can we work on this and then off you go. Unfortunately, that often doesn’t happen, which is really sad because by speaking with your partner you could avoid so much hurt and heartache all around.
So, if you’re becoming tempted, please talk to your partner before doing something!
We’ve now been married for 20 years and I can honestly say that going through all of that has made our marriage stronger than it ever was, it’s also better. We have a newfound love and respect for each other and we know that we’re not going to risk that again.
The hardest thing was to trust. Trusting someone after that is soooooooo hard. Not looking at their phone or emails to ‘just check’ was really difficult. Now, I don’t give it a second thought because he’s shown me that I can trust him.
Marriages can survive after something like this, but both parties need to be aware of where they went wrong, that they both work on fixing things and most importantly the ‘guilty’ party needs to give their partner as much time and space as they need to heal, because you can’t do it overnight, it takes time.
Katrina-Jane is a down to earth, multiple times award-winning author, inspirational speaker, teacher, out of the box clairvoyant and thought leader – who is dedicated to guiding you through this experience called life!
Specialising in a variety of areas such as empowering women to find their purpose and live their dreams and also helping people understand death and dying – you will discover that I am way more than your average clairvoyant!